If you're like me, you often wonder: If George W. Bush and John Kerry were hardcore salseros, and there was a salsa contest where they were the two finalists, and their running mates were their partners, who would win? (I also sometimes wonder: "Should I start taking ritalin?"). Lets take a look at how the two couples stacked up against each other in 3 different categories:
Style & Fashion (this is an LA competition, did I mention?):
John Kerry and John Edwards bury the competition in this category. And let's be completely honest here: It's all John Edwards. With those youthful looks and that tight fitting green dress, he's one BAD mama jama! He moves around the dance floor like a puma, and those eyes of his say one thing, and one thing only.. You're mine, John Kerry. The only negative thing we could say is that we thought something funny was going on with his B-cups. We could have sworn that when we saw him dance at the salsa congress he was no more than an "A". We're not fans of fakery here at EugeneSalsa.com, you know. In the end we remember that this IS an L.A. competition, and he does get points for firmness, so we view this as a minor point.
Kerry, for his part, does passably well in this department. He's got some down-to-earth, proletarian-ish type club clothes that say "I'm one of you", and he isn't overwhelmed by his partner's sexuality. He is the cool to Edward's "fiery freakin' hot!!!". We wonder where HIS fire is, though. We wanted to see some big pops outta JK, or at least a primal scream.
Choreography:
We thought that George Bush and Dick cheney, the defending champions, were going to be in trouble this year as they are dancing the same choreography they've been performing since 2001. The peice actually has a title, which is simply "Osama". This is, of course, the work of master choreographer (an former USABDA Latin Dance world champion) Karl Rove. While we weren't very fond of the moves, which seemed heavy on drama and steely-eyed looks, the execution was impressive and it put them over the top in this category. Rove had clearly worked these two like slaves in preparation: Neither of the two deviated from the program even a little bit. We even noted the SAME PEICE OF SPITTLE fly from Dick Cheney's mouth as last year (which hit one of the Vazquez brothers square in the eye).
The irony is that for G.W. and Dick, their strength is also their weakness; I had the sense, particularly with George, that if he didn't have Karl's firm, orchestral hand guiding him he would be utterly lost. It didn't help that he was mouthing "1-2-3, 5-6-7" throughout the performance.
In the end, Dick Cheney pulled them both through with his bullet-like gaze and rock-steady shoulders. He's been accused of being a hypocrite for having taken 5 deferments to avoid serving in Vietnam, but those dance classes he took stateside during those years prepared him for a different (but no less important!) kind of battle: The battle of the salsa.
Rythm:
I was confused, at first, by the dancing from both couples in this department. I thought that perhaps they each were attempting some sort of avante-garde mixture of dancing on the 1, 2, 3, and then 7, then 3 again, and then 8. I finally realized that neither couple dances to the rythm. I happened to corner Karl Rove (Bush team choreographer) after the event was over and asked him about it. He said that "the concept of 'rythm' is an invention by the liberal media. It doesn't really exist." So, there you go. I wanted to press him but was hustled away by some secret service guys (and boy, can they Hustle). So neither couple clearly wins in this category.
Conclusion
Salsa is really about having fun, and not about who's a "winner" and who's a "loser", isn't it? Yeah, right. This is a salsa competition! Not some communistic, tree-huggin', new-agey love festival!! I'm here to tell you WHO SUCKS and WHO RULES.
In this case, it's a close call. Neither of the couples can dance on the rythm. One was marginally better looking than the other (and, yes, firmer), and one was certainly more disciplined.
In the end, I think we all agreed here amongst the several dozen staff of EugeneSalsa.com that we were tired of the well-orchestrated yet heavy handed performance from the Bush/Cheney duo we've seen these last years. And though the Kerry/Edwards team quite underwhelms us with it's originality and passion, it's gotta be better than the same old song and dance. Plus, John Kerry (in post competition interviews) proved that he can, in fact, add and subtract. We like that. So, he wins!
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Winners and losers!
